Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
