I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
