The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
