The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
