I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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