last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
