A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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