Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
