Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
