My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
