Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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