If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
