well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
In other news, I just burned my penis
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia