I wanna bring you to show and tell
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company