It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.