I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
