Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
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Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
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You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize