it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
