My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
