I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
