Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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