I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
