you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
