come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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