goodnight i made you a song goodbye
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
