The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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