My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
