i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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