we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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