she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
