i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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