he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
