I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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