I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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