Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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