I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
