I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
