Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
i need some magic done to my vagina
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
