you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
