I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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