John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
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for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
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A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".