so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
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