So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
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If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
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I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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