I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
