I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
