OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We left an ass print on the piano.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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