so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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