I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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