Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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