Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Randomize
