im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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