She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Randomize
