i permit you to call me
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
