I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
