Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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