I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
