Need sex. Gaining weight.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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