ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
