idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
