just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
i've created a new STD.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
