When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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