guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
