There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
