Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
