I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
