i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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