he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
