In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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